The Road to Restoratiom ( Part 9 )

The road to restoration was filled with sorrow and yet joy at the same time. Does that make sense? I guess that could only take place inside a relationship with our Beloved Lord.  Sorrow for all the things done to me and the things in this world that I had lost or were denied me. Sorrow when I had to face all the things that I had done wrong and the hurts that I had inflicted on other. Oh! me Oh! my.

The absence of parental love and respect for me as a child and loving affirmation as I was growing into womanhood. Being denied an education that would enhance my natural talents and put me in a position to take my place in the world with confidence, knowledge and skill. The mocking of the speech impediment I had to endure and the vicious lies told to my siblings about me in order to caste doubt on my credibility. I do have a most loving relationship with one of my brothers and his family, who are able to see past all the lies but two other brothers and a sister plus their families absolutely hate my very existance. My mother has not spoken to me for over twenty years, she feels that I am the cause of all of her problems. She believes that as a six year old child I seduced her lover. The lover she left my father for.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, although I could fill many pages listing all my grievances I prefer to tell of all the wonderful things my Beloved Lord has done for me and there cometh the joy.


One by one all my sins were forgiven and He would always give me a scripture verse to assure me of that, I had a hard time trusting even God Himself which happens when one is betrayed by parents. I cannot convey in human words the depths of tenderness and love the Lord bestowed on me as I walked through this valley of the shadow of death. Yes death, for to be the person I was meant to be required me to die to the person that I had become, and allow the Lord to show me who I really was, I was not the person my upbringing had moulded me into, I was in fact the person that the lord had secretly wrought in my mothers womb when  my substance was not yet formed. See Psalm 139, it is magnificent.  And like a beautiful butterfly I emerged as if out of a cacoon.


This did not happen overnight, it did take many months of slowly changing my attitude towards almost every aspect of my life. I realised my view of things were coloured by the abuse and most of the time I didn't see things as they really were. I had major blind spots, the Lord showed me the truth and most of my belief systems were shattered.  It was a relief actually and I found myself being liberated from the enormous amount of condemnation I was carrying around with me. The heavy burdens of guilt and shame were lifted from me. I was being set free.

 John 8:32 (King James Version)

32And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
36If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.

My life changed dramatically as I slowly learnt to walk with the Lord day by day hour by hour.  It was difficult at first as you can imagine, but, I was determined to banish the constant negative self talk that had taken hold of my waking hours, and to take control of my life and not let the events of the past control my present and my future. For the first time in my life I had peace, peace of mind. My ears were able to hear,  my eyes opened up and I was able to see and my heart softened and I heard the voice of the Lord speak into my heart, words of undying love, the kind of love that lays down it's life for another. My Beloved
poured Himself into my poor shattered heart and slowly put the broken pieces back together again.

A new life, a new me, unhindered by sorrow and bitterness, shame and hopelessness, I am free.  

<< Psalm 139 >>


New International Version


For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.


2You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.


3You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

4Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.


5You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.


6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.


7Where can I go from your Spirit?


Where can I flee from your presence?


8If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths,a you are there.


9If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,


10even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.


11If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”


12even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.


13For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.


15My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.


When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,


I6your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.


17How precious tob me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!


18Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.


When I awake, I am still with you.


19If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!


20They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.


21Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you?


22I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.


23Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.


24See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

to be continued.....

BLESSINGS AND CURSINGS ( Part 8 )

As a result of childhood sexual abuse physical pain accompanies the deep pain of the heart and soul, no part of the human make-up is spared of agony. 

I had severe muscle pains as I had spent most of my life with all my muscles in a tense position, ready for fight or flight, as I was attacked either verbally or physically at any given moment often without warning. It was a situation where I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't, if you know what I mean. I had  grown up with a very severe speech impediment as well which distressed me greatly. It never ceased to amaze me how adults could burst out laughing in the face of someone with this sad affliction. My mother would slap me in the face as I tried to speak and shout at me that I was shaming her.
I had prayed and prayed for healing in those areas. In church the Pastor and the Elders laid their hands on me praying for me and anointed me with oil. But no relief would come.
I was beside myself with frustration as I believed that our suffering was finished by the Lord's sacrifice on the cross, so I should be healed. That is what I had been taught and I was told that if healing didn't come it was due to my lack of faith. Well I whipped myself up in a frenzy of believing faith, reciting the promise scriptures until I had worn myself out. In a crumpled heap in front of my special place by the fire I cried out to my Beloved and asked Him why.


Jeremiah 15:18, "Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, which refuseth to be healed? wilt thou be altogether unto me as a liar, and as waters that fail?"

Further along in Jeremiah I found the answer and I was shocked to read this, as I was told that once I became a born again christian all my sins were forgiven. 

Jeremiah 30:15," Why criest thou for thine affliction ? thy sorrow is incurable for the multitude of thine iniquity: because thy sins were increased, I have done these things to thee."

I went off in a huff and didn't speak to the Lord or read His word for nearly two weeks, I was so offended. How could He accuse me of unrighteousness when I am a new creation, covered with the Blood of the Lamb. I was very upset and confused. I mean doesn't He read His own book.........

When I did calm down I reasoned within myself that my Beloved must have a case or He wouldn't have brought this up as He is all kindness and benevolence. I decided to look up the word iniquity in the dictionary.

iniquity [ɪˈn ɪ k w ɪ t ɪ]
1. lack of justice or righteousness; wickedness; injustice
2. a wicked act; sin
[from Latin inīquitās, from inīquus unfair, from in-1 + aequus even, level; see equal]
iniquitous adj
iniquitously adv
iniquitousness n
Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

ThesaurusLegend: Synonyms Related Words Antonyms

Noun 1. iniquity - absence of moral or spiritual values; "the powers of darkness"
dark, wickedness, darkness
condition, status - a state at a particular time; "a condition (or state) of disrepair"; "the current status of the arms negotiations"
foulness - disgusting wickedness and immorality; "he understood the foulness of sin"; "his display of foulness deserved severe punishment"; "mouths which speak such foulness must be cleansed"
2. iniquity - morally objectionable behavior
evil, wickedness, immorality
evildoing, transgression - the act of transgressing; the violation of a law or a duty or moral principle; "the boy was punished for the transgressions of his father"
devilry, deviltry - wicked and cruel behavior
foul play - unfair or dishonest behavior (especially involving violence)
irreverence, violation - a disrespectful act
sexual immorality - the evil ascribed to sexual acts that violate social conventions; "sexual immorality is the major reason for last year's record number of abortions"
3. iniquity - an unjust act
injustice, shabbiness, unfairness
actus reus, wrongful conduct, misconduct, wrongdoing - activity that transgresses moral or civil law; "he denied any wrongdoing"

Based on WordNet 3.0, Farlex clipart collection. © 2003-2008 Princeton University, Farlex Inc.
........................................................................................

I looked at this list of iniquities and was so convicted that I burst into tears, some of these things I was indeed guilty of, being so dysfunctional the sins on this list were easy to do. 
I sought the help of a Christian Counsellor.
She explained to me that being a victim of childhood sexual abuse doesn't alter the fact that I was a part of this gross indecency and repentance was required. Also my mother had a few abortions which affected me deeply, I was grief stricken that these babies had to die. I was the only female in the house and it fell on me to minister to her needs so therefore I had a part in that as well. 
The Counsellor explained that the Lord is all forgiving but that our arch enemy Lucifer is not. All sins that are not confessed and washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb gives him an open door  to afflict us. Harboring sins and unforgiveness gives him a legal right, so to speak, to do so.
We then discussed generational sins, those which are handed down through the family generations. We went through a list of iniquities that had been committed by my forebears.

Alcoholism, violence, sexual immorality, abortion (murder), entertaining demons as in dabbling with Ouija boards, Horoscopes, visiting pagan temples and fortune tellers or clairvoyants, involvement with various christian cults, Freemasonry, Nazism (my mother was a member of the Hitler youth), cursing the nation of Israel, all forms of anti-semitism, God has chosen the Israelis as a special nation for himself and gave Abrham a promise that He would make Israel a great nation one day and pronounced a blessing to all those who respected Israel and a curse for all those who would go against Israel.
Genesis 12:3 And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.

Oh me, Oh my, I had indeed inherited a bag full. And now I was expected to forgive them and stand in the gap and repent of their sins as well as mine. Apparently the only way to shut the door in the enemies face is to do just that.
Now I have to admit that this was extremely hard to do. Hatred rose in me like a fire, up and up it came. I wanted to lash out and curse them all for putting me in this position. I felt as though I had the weight of all their sins on my shoulders, after all I had enough of my own to deal with.

Once again the Word of my Beloved came to me;

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. - Matthew 11:28 (KJV)

I just cried and cried as the Councellor quietly prayed for me and one by one I repented of all the sins of my forebears and of my own and any unknown sin that would be offensive to our God.

But forgiveness was not so easy and I asked my Beloved to help me.
That evening while on my knees in front of my fire place, in His infinite mercy, He gave me a vision of eternity and to encourage me to soldier on a precious poem, a song of victory.
He showed me how blessed I will be living out my days in His love and care. How He would wipe away all my tears, how He would turn my mourning into dancing and my sorrow into joy. How He would teach me how to live under the shadow of Almighty God while I waited till the time came to take up residence in the place that He had prepared for me in His Father's house.

  Psalm 91 

1He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
3Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
4He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
5Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
6Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
7A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
8Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
9Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
10There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
11For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
12They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
13Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
14Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
15He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
16With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation


And then He showed me how utterely desolate it will be for those who have refused His outstretched hand, those who refuse to call on Him for forgiveness and mercy.
He asked me if I would like to send those who have abused and tormented me to the lake of fire for ever and ever and ever with no respite, and no mercy, forever separated from the love of our gracious God.
He gave me a moments glimpse of the evil torments and painfull sufferings that they themselves were living with as a result of their iniquities.

I thought of that verse in the Lord's Prayer," forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us."
And that sealed it for me, I would answer wisely. To save my own skin? yes indeed for that is what the Lord was offering me. I would not condemn them, I could not banish them to that god forsaken place, a place without mercy, without love, without any hope whatsoever for all eternity.
I asked the Lord to help me to forgive them truly, from deep within my heart as I could not do it by myself, and to forgive me for finding it so difficult to forgive them when He is so ready to forgive me.

1 John 1:9 KJV

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

To Be continued.....

Betrayal ( part 7 )

When an abused person feels powerlessness, she internalizes an image of herself as profoundly inadequate. She deeply questions her ability, competence and intelligence, The doubt that opened the door to despair and deadness centers on these questions; " Why could I not stop the family emptiness, abuse and heartache ? Why did I not get better grades ? Why did mum like my brothers more than me ? Why did she always find fault with me ? The questions of doubt center on the issue of failure. Failure at a task seems to imply inability, incompetence or a lack of motivation. The abused woman will often see herself as mentally deficient. Even if she has worked to attain the highest level of proficiency in her field she will still view herself as an idiot.

It is utterly useless to encourage such a person to evaluate her God-given assets more realistically, because the energy behind the deep doubt and hatred is not based on reality.  The image of being talentless, mediocre, average or worse a self-serving, self-protective evaluation used for a purpose; it provides the victim with a contemptuous explanation for not being able to halt the pain.
The damage of abuse is not limited to powerlessness. Another deep wound is the experience of betrayal, the awful reality of being set up and used by the abuser and being unprotected by the non offending parent.
BETRAYAL.
Betrayal is the spark that ignites the explosive heap of mistrust in our soul. When paranoia flames, the relationship is severed, hope is shattered, and belief in the other person is put on a prove-it-to-me basis with no opportunity for restitution. The human soul is left charred and empty, blown about by the vicious winds of loneliness and doubt.
Text from the Wounded Heart  by Dr Dan B Allender


My favourite place to spend my evenings was in front of the fireplace. There I would pour my heart out to my Beloved. There were just so many things wrong with me, I didn't know where to begin. Lying face down on the rug on the hearth I would pour out my troubles to the only one who could help me, the only one who really cared for me. His Word gently spoke to my heart, but I was at a place where I could not face powerlessness or betrayal. My very coping techniques were now under threat, I was being challenged to let them go and learn a godly way of coping. My soul was shuddering at the realisation of this fact and I was afraid to let them go even though I knew it did not please my Beloved. Manipulation and control had been my companions for many years and helped me survive, or so I thought. I reasoned that if I was in control of all situations in my life bad things would not happen to me again. I was a big girl now and I was in charge. But the Lord wanted me to hand over control of my life to Him. This was scary stuff. I knew Him, trusted Him, loved Him but hey this was a big ask.

 “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 KJV

Most of the time I would try to pray and end up crying myself to sleep in front of the fire. My little poodle, Mindy, would lick my tears away and nudge up close to me knowing that I was distressed. We would fall asleep together in front of the fire until I woke in the early hours of the morning and finally drag us both off to bed. During the day I would keep myself busy with every day things. Gardening was a joy and I threw myself into it with vigorous enjoyment. I saw every plant and every flower as a personal gift to me from my Beloved, it was a special place for me.
I was surrounded by gigantic gum trees, lush tree ferns and vegetation, the forest was my haven. It was a quiet peaceful place and yet very much alive with activity and noise, the bird life is quite amazing, their chattering and sweet songs filled the air.

There was housework to be done and cooking and baking. Jam making and I did so enjoy preserving.  Op-shopping was great fun, looking for that vintage treasure to fill a corner that was wanting and of course visiting the antique shops with a friend. Doing lunch or a coffee and chat, anything to take my mind off the nagging in my soul. But at other times depression would envelope me and I would just sit and stare into space for long periods of time unable to motivate myself to do anything.
This has to be dealt with my inner voice would say, you are only living half a life.  I would reason with myself that the group therapy I was attending was doing me the world of good and I was getting along really well, but deep inside I knew that all was not well. I had no self esteem whatsoever, upon being given a compliment, I couldn't just smile and say thank you, I would actually negate the compliment by explaining how little it cost or how easy it was achieved, depending on the object of the compliment. I just wasn't accustomed to being thought of, by myself or by others, as doing or having anything worthy of praise. I was usually very surprised when a compliment was given to me as my family and first husband constantly treated me with the utmost contempt. They found nothing worthy in anything I did or had to say. Now I must say that with certain friends compliments and praise was enjoyable as we gave and received them to each other but it was different with acquaintances, I viewed them with suspicion. I would wonder what they wanted from me, silly really but that's where I was at.
At times I would do my utmost to please people in the hope that I would win their approval and they would like me and be my friend. Sometime the choices were not wise and I ended up getting further abused.

But again the word of my Beloved came to me ;

  Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. - Matthew 11:28 (KJV)

To be continued.......

Inventory of Damage (Part 6)

Having defined what is classified as sexual abuse, it is time to look at the damage that is caused by such abuse.
Child sexual abuse can result in both short-term and long-term harm, including psychopathology in later life. Psychological, emotional, physical, and social effects include depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, eating disorders, poor self-esteem, dissociative and anxiety disorders; general psychological distress and disorders such as somatization, neurosis, chronic pain, sexualized behavior, school learning problems; and behavior problems including substance abuse, self-destructive behaviour, crime in adulthood and suicides. Research has shown that traumatic stress, including stress caused by sexual abuse, causes notable changes in brain functioning and development. Various studies have suggested that severe child sexual abuse may have a deleterious effect on brain development.

Lets start with powelessness; 

Powerlessness.
Abuse strips a person of the freedom to choose. Sexual abuse was never wanted nor invited;  therefore, its occurrence was not a choice.
If the abuse occurred one time or hundreds, the fact does not change; to the degree that a choice was denied, powerlessness was experienced and dignity was assaulted. There are at least three forces that cause a sense of powerlessness; the inability to change the dysfunctional family, the inability to stop the abuse, and the inability to end the relentless pain in the soul.
One of the most precious gifts God has placed in the human soul is the ability to choose. He who had all power to decide everything did not want a race of robots, so He yielded to men and women the freedom to make choices that matter. He exercises control over a human will only to the degree that that will is voluntarily submitted to Him.
Text from the Wounded Heart by Dr Dan B Allender


Powerlessness has many tentacles, and each one is an awesome challenge to deal with. But lets look at choice, as the text from The Wounded Heart says freedom of choice is our God given right. Let us read what God has to say about the matter;

Deuteronomy 30:19 KJV
I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:
So we see that God in His goodness gives us the right of choice, the same choice He gave Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Will we humans ever learn?  
When that right has been taken away from us we feel violated, powerless.
For a child victim, who is defenceless, and depends on the adults for protection and guidance, this has lasting consequences, and when the abuser is a parent the results are devastating in the present and the long term. The child assumes that the abuse must somehow be their fault, to rightly put the blame on the parents does not occur to them.
When all the child's efforts to fix the problem are ineffectual, the child sees this as conformation that they are to blame for the things that have gone wrong.  
The result is a feeling of utter powerlessness, a hopeless resignation of having to endure living their lives in the dysfunctional family with the continual violation of their body and soul.
     
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
HOPELESSNESS
When no help comes to the aid of the child a hopelessness envelopes the soul which brings on the feelings of despair.
However, God has placed within the human being a strong survival instinct. The abused child will tap into their creative abilities and create an environment within and environment in order to survive. This can be a fantasy world or as in my case, I allowed my mind to rise above the abuse, to focus on the positive side of things and to ignore the negative. I pretended that my mother did in fact love me and that she was also a victim of my stepfather. I buried my pain, shame and self-loathing. I would console myself with the hope that one day I would be grown up and then I could leave and escape from this terrible situation.
I became a rescuer, this gave me, an albeit false sense of power. I denied my own needs and became my mother's little helper. I would try to meet her emotional needs which helped me to rise above my feelings of despair. This gave me a smattering of self-worth, a feeling of not being totally useless. This was in fact my survival technique,  I needed to do this to try and get into her good books, so to speak. She was all I had and I convinced myself that somewhere deep in her heart she did love me, after all when I would listen to her problems she did speak kindly to me. I was so hungry for mother love that I would grab at any semblance of it.
But in the deep innermost part of my being I remembered what the nun had said, on my first day of school. Even though I did not know much about God and my understanding of scripture was nonexistent,  it was of some comfort to me. I would tell myself that there was a God in a heaven somewhere and He loved me, after all the nun said it was written in God's own book, the one that is called The Holy Bible and that God doesn't tell lies.   
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 
It was not until many years later that I did indeed find true love, when the word of the Lord came to me and I entered into a deep relationship with Him.      

Jeremiah 31:3 KJV
 The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee

 to be continued

Defining what is Sexual Abuse (Part5)

The person who desires to deal with the wounds of the past abuse will not feel courageous, nor will there be the immediate exaltation of starting out on a new journey; the bonds on the soul will not be quickly broken. What, then, is the reason for moving forward toward the goal of God's embrace? Again the answer is a hunger for more. God has made us with a natural desire to be as He is: alive,righteous, pure, passionate,loving. To honour what God has called us to be is the reason a man or a woman chooses the path of change. 

In simple terms one must face that there is a war, one must recognise the enemy, and one needs to know why the battle is to be fought. There is a war and one enters it when one acknowledges the reality of the past abuse.


Defining what is sexual abuse;


Sexual abuse may be committed by a person under the age of eighteeen when that person is either significantly older than the victim or when the perpetrator is in a position of power or control over the victimized child/adolescent. When the sexual abuse is perpetrated by an adult or older child who is a blood or legal relative, it constitutes incest, or intrafamilial sexual abuse. 
There are two broad categories of  abuse: sexual contact and sexual interactions.

Sexual contact involves any type of physical touch that is designed to arouse sexual desire (physical or psychological) in the victim and /or the perpetrator.

Physical touch can include at the most severe level forced or nonforced intercourse, oral or anal sex (24% of victims); at the severe level forced or nonforced manual vaginal stimulation or penetration, breast fondling, or any form of simulated intercourse(40%);and at the least severe level, forced or nonforced sexual kissing.touch of clothed breasts,buttocks, thighs, or genitals(36%). 

The categories imply a continuum of severity, but all inappropriate sexual contact is damaging and soul distorting.

Seventy-four percent of the least-severely abused victims report severe damage later in life.

Sexual interactions are far harder to acknowledge because they do not involve physical touch and therefore do not seem as severe. Many times they involve a subtle sexual invasion that leaves the victim wondering if it occurred or if it is a byproduct of her own distorted imagination.

Interactions can be categorized as visual, verbal, or psychological.
Visual sexual abuse involves interactions where the child is forced or invited to watch sexually arousing scenes or pictures or is observed by the perpetrator in a state of undress that is arousing to the adult.

Verbal abuse is a powerful and deep wound. Sexually abusive words produce the same damage as sexually abusive contact. The fact that sexual abuse can be subtle ought not to cloud our perspective that it is equally abusive and damaging.


The very nature of satanic harm is that it is perpetrated by the father of lies who masquerades as an angel of light. Whether the perpetrator is acting under direct satanic sway or indirectly in the way that all sin can be ultimately tied to Satan's province,a certain degree of deceit and subtlety can be assumed in all sexual abuse.


Text from THE WOUNDED HEART
by Dr Dan B. Allender

Damaged Goods (Part 4)

The speaker at the seminar pointed out the damage done to the soul one by one in great detail, there was not a dry eye in the building, mine included. To say we were all in state of shock would be an understatement. We were told that we were, in fact, damaged goods.  My survival techniques were a sham, I was just going round and round in circles, and further more we were told that hurting people hurt people. I was inadvertently hurting others.
I was reeling in shock and utterly shattered.
Question is where was God in all of this, why did He allow all this to happen to me ? why? why? why?
What on earth had I done to deserve this. My whole childhood had been stolen, the joy of a first intimate love with a man of my choosing was robbed from me. A healthy self esteem was denied me, the simple joy of being alive on beautiful planet earth was something I only grasped fleetingly on occasions. I had no idea what it felt like to grow up being  loved and nurtured. 
I was like dead men walking....my basic feelings always had to be drowned, hidden, worthless, not allowed to surface, must comply with other's desires before my own. I was just a people pleasing shell, not in touch with any of my own feelings senses or instincts. 
But there is a saying that when you hit rock bottom the only way left is up.
I decided a serious chat with the Lord was in order, I needed answers.  


Ezekiel 16:
6 And when I passed by thee, and saw thee polluted in thine own blood, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live; yea, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live. 7I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou wast naked and bare.
8Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness: yea, I sware unto thee, and entered into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord GOD, and thou becamest mine. 9Then washed I thee with water; yea, I throughly washed away thy blood from thee, and I anointed thee with oil. 10I clothed thee also with broidered work, and shod thee with badgers' skin, and I girded thee about with fine linen, and I covered thee with silk. 11I decked thee also with ornaments, and I put bracelets upon thy hands, and a chain on thy neck. 12And I put a jewel on thy forehead, and earrings in thine ears, and a beautiful crown upon thine head. 13Thus wast thou decked with gold and silver; and thy raiment was of fine linen, and silk, and broidered work; thou didst eat fine flour, and honey, and oil: and thou wast exceeding beautiful, and thou didst prosper into a kingdom. 14And thy renown went forth among the heathen for thy beauty: for it was perfect through my comeliness, which I had put upon thee, saith the Lord GOD.


At home that evening, my mind racing I asked My Beloved where was He and I told Him how much I needed Him. I opened my bible and happened upon Ezekiel. 
With eyes blurred by my tears I read these words, and I knew that the Lord was with me. My Beloved had not abandoned me at all. 
He had been watching over me and waiting for me to reach maturity, a decision had to be made that would last for all eternity. 
That day in the garden He had called me to Him, to recognize Him for who he truly was and on the day of my baptism the covenant was made, an everlasting covenant. 
The oil, the seal of His own Holy Spirit declaring my redemption to all that had eyes to see, the powers and the principalities of the spiritual dimensions. 
The crown, my crown of righteousness won for me in that great battle for human souls, the victory of the Cross.
The jewels are the marriage gifts representing goodness and truth.
The fine linen, my garments washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb of God.
He had fed me with the very best of food, His Word the Bread of Life.
I had been kept down and trodden underfoot, but the Lord had lifted me up and brought me into a place of honor in His kingdom. 


Character building was now required, the fruit of the Spirit must reign free if an abundant life is to be enjoyed.
As any gardener will tell you pruning the dead branches and roots off a fruit bearing tree allows the sweetest of fruits to come forth.    


I felt in my heart that the answer to the why would come at a later date. 
I had already learned that the Lord only gives us what we can handle when we can handle it.


My soul was comforted by His tenderness, a presence of His peace filled the room, my heart worshiped Him and drank deep of His love.
       
To be continued

The End Of Denial (Part 3)

The reason for entering the struggle is a desire for more, a taste of what life and love could be if freed from the dark memories and deep shame. No one leaves the lethargy of denial unless there is a spark of discontent that pierces the darkness of daily numbness. To live significantly less than what one was made to be is as severe a betrayal of the soul as the original abuse.   Quote from The Wounded Heart by Dr Dan Allender.

I was forty four years old and much water had flowed under the bridge.
I often wondered why I had so many problems in my life, I did not realise it then but a lot of the problems were of my own making. I was dysfunctional. A casual mention of my background to the pastor of the church I was attending led me to a seminar for childhood victims of sexual abuse run by Alice Ware of Teen Challenge.

I cannot begin to tell you how I felt sitting there and hearing that almost every ounce of my sad and sorry life was the result of the abuse. I was totally heartbroken and at the same time full of an unspeakable rage. For the first time in my life I was told that I was the victim, that I was not the guilty one. My mother had told me nearly every day of my life that it was all my fault and that she wished that she had never given birth to me.
In order to cope with this I would tell myself that it wasn't that bad, that others have gone through much worse abuses, and that I had after all survived
Well denial was over now and I had to face reality, I had to decide if I wanted to continue living a lie or face the truth. 

John 8: 32 KJV.  And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free

I had walked with the Lord for nearly twenty years by now, or if the truth be told the Holy Spirit in His compassion dragged me along until I was ready to meet truth head on. 
The truth is I was full of self contempt, deep seated shame, feelings of powerlessness, always crushed by betrayal, depression and ambivalence.
My survival techniques were manipulation and control, emotional blackmail and flattery.

The sad thing is, with all these dysfunctions, I could not fulfill the wonderful plan the Lord had for my life. I was all but useless to Him.   
But the Lord didn't come into this world to judge the world , He came to save it. He is full of mercy and compassion. He saw me, deep inside, wounded and bleeding and beckoned me to come to Him so that He could kiss my poor heart better as only He can.

Isaiah 42:3, A bruised reed shall He not break, and the smoking flax shall He not quench: He shall bring forth judgement unto truth.

To be continued...